I had some of my darkest times earlier this year. And I say dark in the internal sense. Dark thoughts, emotions were all over the shop and honestly didn't wake up feeling there was a lot of light. It's light that flickered and then went out.
But the light never goes out, it's just that we truly have to meet the benefits and lessons of what and why the dark has come to teach us.
I learnt that this particular darkness came at a time where I'd experienced a trauma, but even before that it was lingering under the horizon of my conscious mind.
And then when the trauma happened it went into full flight. Revealing itself to me in horrific dreams and flashes in my waking mind as well.
Thoughts that I caught myself with, observed and then freaked out that I'd thought such a thing.
Growing up, mental health wasn't really something that was properly spoken about or ever went beyond just the word 'mental health'
What does that even mean? "Mental health"
I dabbled in clinical pathways but there was always an instinctive knowing that if I danced, sang and surrounded myself with those who live in their truth it just wasn't an option to go deep underground into mental unhealth.
Until I slowly stopped dancing, singing and had this voice inside that was telling me just how self indulgent it is to be in my artist, to speak my words and to share my expression.
It's a reoccurring voice but this time it was at a whole other level. To the point that cleverly it took over.
Until one day I woke up and felt so depressed, that I was like ok who's switched the light off in here?!
The gifts of all of this is that
a) it makes me appreciate on a whole other level the support system I have around me. The people in my life
b) I appreciate the amount of tools and teachings I've learnt over the years that have also been engrained so there is one part in me that knows this too shall pass
c) that no matter how cliche it sounds, we can't really meet our light unless we have stepped into embracing our darkness.
And so the first step is awareness actually seeing the beast is there crawling behind you, the next step is often the freak out that there's this monster following you and the third step is just taking a breath and holding your little girl/boy's hand and turning slowly to face the beast. With your little girl/boy now standing behind you. Not in between where she/he may have been before.
And then the hardest part I find, is asking the beast - what is it that you want?
Letting it say what it wants to say shouldn't come as a shock because you've been hearing its smirks and little comments in your ears for some time now.
But then with respect for both yourself and the beast the most important part I find is to actually speak up and speak back to this creature. Reminding it that you're grateful it showed up but now it's time for it to go back to its cave and lay and rest. That you do not need its wacky way of protecting you. You can walk this path alone because you know in your heart you're never alone and are always protected by a higher power
So here's to all the beasts out there. Rest well in the knowing that you don't have to carry the burden of protecting the land. The lands are barren with you around because you thrive on killing. Allow us to lead forth to enrich the soil with water and nutrients you may never have experienced.
We thank you and goodbye.
It has been coming back to this practise of thanking these internal voices that has helped me know
I'm not crazy
I'm not mentally ill
I'm not my depression
Or my anxiety
And there are ways to come back into my heart and into the true version of myself in doing the things I love most.
Thank you for reading and I hope that today and each day you can lay your beast to rest. Both you and they deserve it.
Big Love to you and your voices,